It starts with one click on that dreamy link your best friend sent all the bridesmaids in what you hope will be the final chain-email, and suddenly you are in a real life chick flick of the people you love. You’re watching your cousin Sharon say I do, and then, before you know it, you’re knee deep in a film festival of strangers. You’ve dug yourself into a rabbit hole and suddenly it’s been 2 hours, and you’re 56 seconds into Miles and Lucy’s fairy tale Winnipeg wedding and your like “I don’t know these people, and I’ve never even met anyone named Miles, and I definitely could not locate Winnipeg on a map, but oh my god, Lucy looks insanely gorgeous in that gown even though I am not a fan of mermaid and wait, are Miles’ groomsmen wearing matching penguin socks?” Cue the waterworks.
You have quickly descended into that blissful little nook between a Netflix binge and a Bachelor marathon, we like to call Vimeos, even though you know that’s not what they’re called. Your friend Josh made a point of correcting you a hundred times, insisting that it makes no sense. “They’re wedding recaps. That would be like calling all those music covers and cat dances, “YouTubes.” Save your judgment Josh. I don’t care if you majored in CompSci. I can’t take advice from a guy who thought Kardashian was spelled with a C. Who died and made you Vimeo King?
You’ve seen enough Vimeos to know to that there are some key components that separate the cutes from the I need to be these peoples, starting of course with the song choice. Too slow, and you’re doubting their happiness. Too Justin Beiber and you’re like, I don’t want to be the one to say it, but you may not make it past 2 years.
Do you still find it creepy every time they pan over a corpse of a wedding dress hanging from a hanger with a new last name? Like, oh hey, you’re now entering your future and it looks pretty lifeless. Sure. But then they pan the ring on a pair of amazing designer shoes, and you hit pause, because Nina from Wisconsin is that a 4 carrot emerald hanging from that heel? Who is this Mathew from Iowa? How did I miss my chance?
And don’t get me started on the letters the bride and groom read out loud for the camera, which sometimes makes you pause because, wow, Jen, I did not expect you to have such a deep voice. And to be honest, some of those love letters are super weird and generic and the photographer probably should’ve cut them. But then you come across a couple who literally wrote The Notebook, and your heart melts, and you’re ready to call up Hallmark, because these people need to get published. And literal tears of joy (and jealousy?) are streaming down your face, and that’s when you tell yourself to stop watching them, because how could it get better than this? But then, maybe it can? Maybe Alex and Dan can beat out Lisa and Mark? What’s one more Vimeo? It’s not like you have somewhere to be.
You are a happy little fortune teller, judging relationships of strangers by their Vimeos from your couch. You know how important this 3 minute 42 second trailer is. You may not be a mathematician, but you know enough to know that the quality of a Vimeo is directly related to the quality of a marriage.
Are you slightly embarrassed? Maybe. But more than anything you’re proud, because you’re a college educated woman who just discovered how to combine the joys of Instagram stalking with the pleasure of a good RomCom, all from the comforts of your own bed! For free! Take that Netflix and $25 Movie tickets.