Before I answer this question I need to put a GIANT caveat, because I almost didn’t answer this question. I first started this segment as kind of a joke. I thought it would be a fun way for me to write about different dating topics that interested my followers. People were sending me questions, so I figured why not turn it into a kind of shtick? But as the S&K community grows, one of the biggest challenges I face is that I worry that people view me as some sort of dating authority. I get DM’s asking for advice or help fairly often, and it makes sense. Many people are sharing intimate details of their lives with me. I have shared details of my own dating life with you. I write about and share my own opinions. And so I get that people assume I have answers. And if I’m being honest–I asked you to send me questions! But here’s the thing. I often have people sending me questions without full background. Or I won’t know a person well enough to feel like I can really comment on a situation. Or I really have no idea what to do.
Because what I constantly am reminding everybody, is that I too am just another person in the S&K community. I am not a therapist or a doctor. I am navigating the ins and outs of my own dating and personal life. I love talking with my followers. I love debating different sides of an argument. I love learning from followers and watching them learn from each other. But I worry about someone basing their decisions, especially their dating/ marriage/ relationship decisions on my advice. Because, I know I shouldn’t put this in writing, but half the time I also have NO IDEA what I’m doing!!!
This is why I have shied away from giving direct advice more recently, and it’s why I feel very strongly about recommending therapists to my followers (hit me up if you need recommendations).
That being said, I think the following question is one I feel comfortable tackling. HOWEVER. PLEASE TAKE MY ADVICE WITH ALL THE GRAINS OF SALT. My advice is not bible. I am a regular person. This is just an opinion. Do not base all of your life’s decisions on what I say. K. Thanks.
Dear Hating the Haters,
Totally hear your frustrations. Sometimes you just want people to validate your feelings and work off what you’re saying instead of giving their own opinions. So my advice is actually pretty straightforward. And the good news is you can apply it to any relationship.
Your friends can’t possibly know that this doesn’t work for you if you don’t tell them. As you yourself mentioned, different things might work for different people–which might be why they’re responding in this way. So if hating on your ex doesn’t work for you, tell them! Simple as that. The more effectively you can learn to communicate what works and doesn’t work for you in terms of what you need in your relationship with your friends, the better off you will be. (And yes, this applies to romantic relationships as well).
(I should note though, that you should also make sure you are leaving room for self awareness. Like, if you give this advice and they are still hating on this girl, maybe she really is bad news…..just a thought).
Hope this helps. If not…hit me up for a therapist rec!