How Do I Talk to My Friends About Dating: Advice With All The Grains Of Salt

Welcome to the third edition of Ask Skirts and Kicks! Have a question? I pretend to  have answers! Send me DM’s @skirtsandkicks on insta or email skirtsandkicks@gmail.com.

Before I answer this question I need to put a GIANT caveat, because I almost didn’t answer this question. I first started this segment as kind of a joke. I thought it would be a fun way for me to write about different dating topics that interested my followers. People were sending me questions, so I figured why not turn it into a kind of shtick? But as the S&K community grows, one of the biggest challenges I face is that I worry that people view me as some sort of dating authority. I get DM’s asking for advice or help fairly often, and it makes sense. Many people are sharing intimate details of their lives with me. I have shared details of my own dating life with you. I write about and share my own opinions. And so I get that people assume I have answers. And if I’m being honest–I asked you to send me questions! But here’s the thing. I often have people sending me questions without full background. Or I won’t know a person well enough to feel like I can really comment on a situation. Or I really have no idea what to do.

Because what I constantly am reminding everybody, is that I too am just another person in the S&K community. I am not a therapist or a doctor. I am navigating the ins and outs of my own dating and personal life. I love talking with my followers. I love debating different sides of an argument. I love learning from followers and watching them learn from each other. But I worry about someone basing their decisions, especially their dating/ marriage/ relationship decisions on my advice. Because, I know I shouldn’t put this in writing, but half the time I also have NO IDEA what I’m doing!!!

This is why I have shied away from giving direct advice more recently, and it’s why I feel very strongly about recommending therapists to my followers (hit me up if you need recommendations).

That being said, I think the following question is one I feel comfortable tackling. HOWEVER. PLEASE TAKE MY ADVICE WITH ALL THE GRAINS OF SALT. My advice is not bible. I am a regular person. This is just an opinion. Do not base all of your life’s decisions on what I say. K. Thanks.

Hi S&K,

So this advice I’m looking for isn’t actually dating advice per se, but advice that’s related to dating. 
Sometimes it’s hard for me to discuss my dating fun (read: issues, complaints, rants, etc.) with friends because of how they respond. I get that they’re trying to be supportive, but personally, some of my friend’s responses I don’t find helpful to me. 
For example, if someone I’m interested in did something I didn’t really like be it ghosting, ending something, or just not being interested and I tell a friend about it, there’s lots of times where my friends will respond negatively toward that person who I still kinda have feelings for. They might call her something or use negative descriptors, but the thing is if I still like the girl, personally, I don’t want to hear that. I’d love my friends to support me or figure out a way forward, but I don’t like the negativity toward others. It can especially feel weird if there’s still a chance with this person. Like I don’t want my friends calling them bad names or anything; it just isn’t constructive. (S&k readers- if you like this kind of support from your friends, great! Different things work for diff ppl, but this just isn’t my style).
All this means sometimes I don’t bring things up to friends that I want to, but I wish I could. Any suggestions on how I can work this out?
Staying quiet for now,
Hating the haters

Dear Hating the Haters,

Totally hear your frustrations. Sometimes you just want people to validate your feelings and work off what you’re saying instead of giving their own opinions. So my advice is actually pretty straightforward. And the good news is you can apply it to any relationship.

Your friends can’t possibly know that this doesn’t work for you if you don’t tell them. As you yourself mentioned, different things might work for different people–which might be why they’re responding in this way. So if hating on your ex doesn’t work for you, tell them! Simple as that. The more effectively you can learn to communicate what works and doesn’t work for you in terms of what you need in your relationship with your friends, the better off you will be. (And yes, this applies to romantic relationships as well).

(I should note though, that you should also make sure you are leaving room for self awareness. Like, if you give this advice and they are still hating on this girl, maybe she really is bad news…..just a thought).

Hope this helps. If not…hit me up for a therapist rec!

S&K

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.